off time

once in a while, i get this feeling that nothing works out the way it should... or the way i want it to be. not that everything else works out the way i thought it would work out, but at least they didn't exactly go against what i thought would happen.

a few weeks ago, i was excited about this Switzerland thing. why? mostly because i wanted it so badly. i wanted to leave this country so badly - not for any other purpose, but to help out my family and also to get away from them. i know it sounds weird, particularly since i lovre hanging out with my relatives and i want to help out my immediate family.

however, things have not been exactly going well for the immediate family and well, i think that i need a very long break from it all - i need to get away and stop acting like the eldest child when i am in fact the youngest child.

and well, i saw this Switzerland thing as an opportunity to get me as far away form here as possible. After all, i don't care about the money - since i am bound (more because of me wanting to do this) to really send some for my niece (see, my sister - niece's mom - doesn't take care of my niece). but i just wanna get away from it all. it honestly feels like i've been the eldest child since birth and i freakin don't like the fact that i spent 24 years of my life acting like the eldest responsible child.

i wanna live up to my age and live up to my role as the youngest child. i just wanna leave and get on with my life without worrying about what my sister or my brother is doing to irritate my mom and definitely NOT hope that by being the responsible one, i am taking away the burden from my mom.

i do not mean to sound like a self-righteous savior of the world. i just want my life - the life i wasn't able to live - back... i mean i want my life without trying to be responsible for anyone else but myself.

sigh.

until now, Switzerland has not responded. They should since the UN usually responds so i'm thinking they're still reviewing the applicants.

again, i'm asking for prayers - from everyone who wants to make the time for them.

ciao