...this is the continuation, though it's not the same conversation as the one i had with the guy...

Anyway, I got to talk to another friend of mine... Well, she would understand since she's in the same situation, though her ship is built differently...

See, ever since... well... ever SINCE, I have often wondered why being single has always been put on a pedestal. I wondered that even when... well when... Anyhow, I never understood why and how people could think that it's harder back then. Whereas it is certainly harder - much much harder now -

Incidentally, I know I am not making any sense to those who do not know me well enough to KNOW what I'm talking about. That's to be expected.

- Anyhow, it is certainly harder these past few years when it feels like I am carrying too much that I should not be carrying. The worst part about it is having people you're trying to help turn against you that you just want to leave and for once in your life you want to not care about anyone other than yourself. you wanna get away from it all because everything just seem so tiring and you see that in the end, it doesn't really matter anyway so why help, right?!

I keep thinking that maybe it's me. Maybe I'm really meant to be in this situation and maybe the PLAN is for me to accept it and just get things over with. You know, no non-sense, run-of-the-mill idealistic thoughts on how you can make a difference and change the world so that you can help particular people creeping in your mind. Why can't you be just one of those dumb-dorks-who-just-goes-with-the-flow-and-enjoy-life-and-party-all-the time-and-don't-give-a-sh**-what-the-FREAK-happens-to-everyone-else-just-so-long-as-she's-happy kinda girl? But then again, I keep thinking maybe this ISN'T the PLAN and there's really something there for me... something for just for me. Something that is meant for me to enjoy and not for me to enjoy that someone else is enjoying. It's really selfish, I know. But sometimes... you just really get so tired that fighting IT just... just can't be done anymore. but eventhough you don'tfeel like facing it... you wake up everyday, be it nearly mechanically and that same spirit that has been crushed each and everyday is still there that you just want to tear it out of yourself.

But eventhough at the end of the day, you are once again too tired to fight and you have nearly given up... you can never fully give up and it just frustrates you over and over again why you can't stop yourself from fighting... why you can't just kill that spirit that urges you to move on and look for ways and means to get away from everything else that if you can only do so, you practically want to strangle yourself (which is, yes i know, physically impossible) to keep yourself from hoping... to keep yourself from wasting too much energy all for nothing. And justa s you think that you have finally succeeded in killing off that spirit, you wake up another day and tire yourself out in the battle.

my friend then made me realize something... something which may be partly true, though not the stuff about me. She made me realize that those who say that they are in the midst of everything are not. They are not here fighting the battle against the storm. Instead, they are at the eye of the store - the calmest, albeit the PHYSICAL CENTER of it. The real center of the storm is not the eye, but it is the part that tears down whole villages and communities - where destruction is ever present.

She said that maybe things happened because I have a big heart and it is meant to expand and accommodate more than just what it used to - not just a few. Physically speaking, I have a normal heart - not too big and not too small -, but as far as expanding and accommodating everything... I do not have a Messiah complex nor do I aspire for one. I am too selfish for my own good and I just wish I coulod be more so so I can stop thinking abotu all these other stuff I keep thinking about.